I suppose that I'm going to have a little rant here but I think it's necessary because it's something that I have been starting to realize fora while. To start off, I am not complaining about my life at all. I love my life and am grateful of all of the opportunities I have gotten. However I have come to realize what I want my life to be like when I'm older and definitely wish could start it now. I don't know who reads my blog or if anyone reads it at all but I've decided to post this on the internet because why not. With that in mind, let me begin.
My life is swell. I have a job that I extremely enjoy because I gain out of it and don't have to pay, I help and motivate people to reach their goals, my coworkers are amazing women, and my boss isn't really my boss but my friend who guides me and makes sure I'm okay at this new job. I go to a university, am not in debt, and is finding that it's not as hard as the high school make it out to be. My intermediate family is well, under control, and support me with every choice I make. My other family, my friends, are more than I can ask for. Those few are some of the people I cherish because if you find one friend in your life time, your lucky. If you have many, your blessed. I have a wonderful boyfriend of almost 3 years who by others is seen as goofy and obnoxious but by me is seen like a perfect guy designed just for me.
However this my sound great, this lifestyle wouldn't be the one I would choose for myself. Yes I do love and am extremely thankful for everything I have but I would defiantly make some changes in my life. With the good also comes the bad. For example, my family is large, 6 members. Going to the super market is a trip we make at least twice a week. We don't always buy unhealthy food, but we don;t always buy healthy food either. When I hopefully start my life I want to buy only healthy food. It's a choice I have made a long time ago and still want it today. Since my job is exercising, unhealthy food and junk food make me feel worse than it did before. If I eat a bag of chips, I literally won't eat a thing for the next day. I have always like healthy food and am determined to make that part of my life style.
Another change I would make is I want to move away from this city. I have lived, never moved out, and have been born in this city. I need change. There is nothing wrong with this city but it's just a choice I want to make. My father choose to start his life in the US in a safe city but I think it's time to leave it for some time and start fresh. New city, new town, new house, new me. Preferably somewhere where it snows because I have come to realize that snow is something I wouldn't mind to deal with for a few years.
Lastly and most important of the changes I want to make in my life, is Ben. No, I'm not going to beak up with him, it's actually the opposite. I want him in my life permanently. It's been proven, by many grumpy and extensive arguments, that we do better when we're together. Yes some people say we're young and don't know a thing about relationships, and I agree to some point, but what I do know is that I feel better when he's around. Some thing people don;t know about me is that I have some anxiety. I stress out over every little thing and freak out if I'm late to anything no matter how insignificant it is. The only difference between other people with anxiety and with me is that I don't let it control my life. I refuse to give up my life to it and the only way to do that is to control it. Simple. Well, not so much at times but that's where Ben comes in. I don't mean to go into a dramatic and emotional story but let me make it short: when I met Ben, I was in a terrible place. I wouldn't want to go out, talking to friends and being afraid to say something wrong was terrifying, and trying something new was out of the questions with numerous other things that I will not say here because even f no one reads this blog, there are somethings I don't want people to know about me. Bottom line is that Ben, a guy who barely knew me, made me smile for the first time in months and got me to open up to him in a week. After almost three years together he's proven enough to me he does love me and intends to stay with me for a very long time, just as I told him before we started dating. Yeah, he may be a goof ball and not seem like he takes things seriously but he's proven differently to me. My father however thinks otherwise.
My father refuses to know about any guy in my life because he doesn't want there to be one. My mother, after an embarrassing confession, knew about Ben the second week we were together. Ben's whole family knows and has been very accepting of me because I am his first girlfriend as well as he is my first boyfriend. Going back to my father, I know he only wishes the best for me and has worked hard to provide to my family and me. It's not that he doesn't trust me enough to have a boyfriend its that he thinks that I'm not mature enough to know how to and balance my school and boyfriend. To counter this idea, I have been with Ben since about the half way point in my sophomore year of high school and have kept up to be a almost straight A student. I say almost because of my math grades are something I have always been complete crap at. But I can't tell him this because he will get mad at the fact that I didn't tell him I had a boyfriend. In the end I am afraid that he is going to allow me to have a boyfriend, any other guy besides Ben, which completely defies the point. The killer part is that he already knows. He knows I like Ben and that were together because Ben asked him if he could date me and I asked for permission. Those are indicators that light up red and spell danger is capital letters.
The change I want to make is that I am going to tell my dad that I am dating Ben and that as long as I want him in my life, he will be. My grandpa hated my dad, and was SO much worse than my dad in hating guys, but look where that got them: 4 kids and a whole lot of money. If he trusts me, he'll let me do it, if not well I don't think he's going to want to talk to me for a couple of months.
It feels good to let these things out. Although as I see now it was mostly about Ben, it does feel nice to vent even if it's on the internet. Its easier to do so here than to real people because talking to people is something I'm still working on.
Thank you for reading my little sets of rants and I hope you don't judge me too harshly.
I hope you have a great day.
Natalie
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