Gloomy Days Bring on Gloomy Thoughts

Hello Internet. I am usually a fan of the rainy and gloomy days, the cold, and the staying under blankets all day but not today. No today it is different. As my friend Vienna said: "Gloomy days bring on gloomy thoughts." As much as I am an optimist and try to be happy everyday, sometimes it just hits me; all the thoughts that I try to avoid until late at night where I can mourn on my lonesome and think of why the world is so cruel. Today however it has hit me during the day so why not write about it. 

 One thing I have struggled with my entire life is talking to people, being social, and making friends. Ironically my job today is that exact thing, motivating people to lose weight and never giving up. Maybe this explains why I have no people in my classes and am basically not bring my boss money. I find it extremely hard ot open up to people, especially these people, because some of these ladies are mean mean people. They judge, they stab, and they take advantage. Exactly what I am afraid of. That is the reason I don't open up to people. Whys should I trust them with the person I am if there just going to rip it apart and revert me to that weak, unstable, unconfident person I was. No thanks. I'll continue to be the girl who gives you the tough songs and makes you sore you can't move the next day without making a sound. I wish I could not be bothered by this like I was before but seriously, some people just take it over the top. If looks could kill. I am happy however that I do have this job because for one, I get free exercise everyday,  second, this gives me a chance everyday to break this fear of people and being unsocial. Everyday an opportunity, everyday a new chance. 

One aspect people don't know about me is that I did not have friends until third grade. From preschool until second grade I did not have friends. I played by myself at recess, did all the work during group projects, and basically just stuck to myself. Why? It's not that I was antisocial its just that I didn't know what friends were or how to make them. Honestly I didn't realize this until later in my life. College is so lonely because of this. My classes don't match up to any of my friends who actually go there so I try to make friends with the people in my classes but its like they don't have any interest in friends. Maybe its just me. Maybe I just give off too much information or too less. I need to trust people. Trust that these people are good and actually want to be a friend. Because trust issues aren't a choice anymore. 

On the same topic of friends, for some strange and idiotic reason I tend to push the friends I already have, the one that I managed to make over the years, away. I hate this fact so much yet I have no idea when I'm doing it. I do deeply care for my friends and am so thankful for all they've done for me. They don't deserve this. They are, as my best friend since third grade says, good souls, and deserve to be treated right. Sometimes I get so jumbled in my own world of fears, self afflicted loneliness, and self caused problems that I just can't think straight about anything. I need to continue to create myself, find myself, and love myself so that the world may become upright and standing again. Without friends, the world is pretty damn dull. 

So here I am Internet. I am giving you a wide open view to my honest to jeebus self. Attack me, judge me, hate me. I need to get over this fear of "I don't think there going to like me" and "there going to hurt me" because these things are only true if I let them be. Time for change. Time for thoughts. Time for something new. 

-Natalie

Mysterious Mondays: 9/15/14

Good hello guys. I have come today to, as it's become a habit lately, to geek out. When my mother convinced my father to pay Netflix she didn't know what she was creating. Now my siblings and I live with our eyes glued on the TV. My mom has seriously just started to realize that when I become interested in something I become obsessed. *cough* anime, book series, Tumblr, TV shows, movies, anything illuminated by the sun *cough* This time it's a fairly old show that broadcast in 2005. 

I have been completely hooked on Supernatural. 

Supernatural aired September 13, 2005 on The WB, so I'm literally 10 years late on realizing how amazing this show is. The show is basically about two brothers, Sam and Dean Winchester, who hunt demons, monsters, ghosts, and any other supernatural beings in the world. (duh) I had originally heard about this show when it actually aired but I was 9 then so I had better things to do like practice my flute and go make myself look like a potato while playing house in my back yard. 

I always had an interest in the show as I got older but I never willed myself to watch it. Like I said, I had better things to do. Now however, the first summer where I literally had almost nothing to do, I had enough time and boredom to watch. Best decision ever. 

I'm only on Season 3 so it's been really difficult not to go on Tumblr and Google to look up pictures because there are spoilers EVERYWHERE. Especially now that Season 9 is coming out. Here I am on Season 3. I'm actually pretty excited that I need 6 more seasons because that means I'm not going to be left heartbroken mid season. 

I really enjoy this show because how how much of a bond Sam and Dean have. Both brothers are willing to trade in anything, including their soul, and die for one another because that is how much they love each other. I really like this factor of the show because the brothers are faced daily with evil and always have that chance of death hanging over their head. I mean yeah it's a life of adventure but at what risk? The boys that this bond because of their unnatural upbringing. I mean, if your mother was killed by a demon and you father had dedicated his life to hunting the demon who killed his wife, you'd probably bond to the only other person who's going through the same thing too. 

Another aspect that I really enjoy about the show is that all the demons and monsters they face are actually true in some culture or folklore. The Brothers Grimm stories, Genies, Werewolves, Vampires, Ghosts, Spirits, you name it. It's really interesting how the show brings light and represents these monsters. I mean for example, lets take the very hated and misjudged Twilight. Vampires in Twilight are sparkly, super fast and strong. Vampires in Supernatural usually are party animals that drink liquor and kidnap people, for you know, lunch. Werewolves in Twilight change when they get angry or vampires are around. Werewolves in Supernatural change when it's the full moon and go insane. Different representation, same lore. 

I will now continue to geek out until I finish Supernatural. Because I mean, I don't start school next week or anything. Psssh no. Thank you for reading and I hope you have a nice day. 

-Natalie xx 

After Graduation Blues

I would have never thought that I would ever complain about this. Its the most absurd thing to complain about. No other teen would ever complain about this. Then again other teens probably have more freedom than me. But still, its almost ridiculous. 

                            SUMMER IS HERE AND I AM SO NOT LOVING IT. 

There. I finally got it out. Geez I'm probably going to get a lot of crap for this but seriously see my point of view here. I am ( finally) a high school graduate after that what seemed like an eternity wait and I'm not very exited. Mostly I'm confused about what to do next because well, college due's are all done and I even signed up for summer school but this still leaves me about a month to do nothing. After surfing the internet, crawling into the deepest parts of Tumblr where thankfully I will never go again ( there are some obsessive and reeeeeally weird fangirls out there. Its truly kinda frighting), randomly going on Facebook (I am a proud "looker" not "poster"), reading fan fiction (which I really enjoyed haha what a fangirl), and just basically giving up and laying down on my bed in boredom. 

Recently a light bulb flashed in my head and told me "Don't be stupid, stupid. Look for a JOB." Yeah I know, after complaining about needing one for the longest time genius me didn't think about actually looking and applying for one. So I picked a day and ( with the help of my lovely aunty) applied for about 10 jobs. I felt accomplished because I actually did something productive instead of just browsing the Internet. 

I also started going back to Zumba since I rather get fit than sit on my ass all day and eventually make it harder for myself to lose weight. Its actually really great because once I started going I felt the difference right away. I feel my muscles coming back and feel thinner. My weight doesn't change but I finally learned that how much you weigh doesn't mean you skinnier or thin or much more importantly, healthy. When I stopped doing exercise I weighted 120 lbs. When I started doing exercise and eating a little healthier, I weighed 130 lbs. I am much more healthier now thankfully and feel better and even look thinner. Here's your weekly Natalie's "And Now You Know".   

That is my rant and kinda update of my life. I think I just need to try to loosen the grip of my parent's protectiveness and try to become more independent. First step: Get my licence! I have my appointment the day after my birthday next week. I'm excited!! 

-Natalie

PS: While on my week on Internet I managed to watch the whole 2 seasons of "Once Upon a Time" on Netflix and let me say I AM OBSSESED OMG. I'm so angry that I can not find a website that will let me watch season 3!! The Tumblr posts are so intruding and revealing of spoilers its horrible but I can't help it. The struggle is real.

Thoughts From The Soul

"I don't belong" I sit at a party I think to myself. I've always felt like this but more lately. Since I've been so stressed out ranging from my bf, college apps, and so much more this is the first time I just think to myself in peace. No Internet, no one talking to me, just me myself and I next to a fire. (I'm probably gonna smell like smoke afterwards) it feels nice. But I also feel like an outsider. I've noticed that when I quiet and just observe (I swear I'm not that creepy creeper looking at you when you cross the road or is behind you right now) I think more and learn more. War tactics basically. Observe-learn-plan-attack. I wish I could attack. I know I'm going to sound like some random fandom girl or what not but I really wished I live in Rick Rodian's world. If you people do not know who he is, well you don't know what your missing. He created the Percy Jackson Series and The Heroes of Olympus Series. Now this is where I feel I belong. I know stupid right. But how is it that I feel more connected to fictional character like Annabeth and Leo a than real live humans I interact with every day? I really really wish I was a Demigod. Now other girls dream about having that rich life and becoming a famous movie star or marring that perfect actor or tumblr guy and such but not me. I dream of fighting monsters and traveling on quests with the best of friends. I day dream so much not really healthy. *sigh* If only. If only I could escape this life that feels like its incomplete. It feels like I'm wearing a skin that doesn't belong to me sometimes. It's nice thy I can relate to the characters in the book. I can't help but to not fall in love with them. But that will be a topic for another time. Tooooo many fiction character I've loved. Oh jeez. So as the fire crackles and my shirt absorbed the smoke that is rising I will continue to think of the abnormal feeling in my chest that rises and think of the better times I would have in other life with demigods. 

I hope I don't singe my hair, 

-Natt

PS: My Perf DemiGod team with my humans that I communicate with at times

Me: sword fighter, quickness, reaction times, child of the dark -Hades

Luis: tactics, math smarts, agile sword fighter -Hades

Ben: The sweet talker, brute strength -Aphrodite 

Alicia: smarts, outspoken skills ( distractions!), tiny dimensions- Athena

Matt: smarts, mechanics, musical talents -Hesperus