Gloomy Days Bring on Gloomy Thoughts

Hello Internet. I am usually a fan of the rainy and gloomy days, the cold, and the staying under blankets all day but not today. No today it is different. As my friend Vienna said: "Gloomy days bring on gloomy thoughts." As much as I am an optimist and try to be happy everyday, sometimes it just hits me; all the thoughts that I try to avoid until late at night where I can mourn on my lonesome and think of why the world is so cruel. Today however it has hit me during the day so why not write about it. 

 One thing I have struggled with my entire life is talking to people, being social, and making friends. Ironically my job today is that exact thing, motivating people to lose weight and never giving up. Maybe this explains why I have no people in my classes and am basically not bring my boss money. I find it extremely hard ot open up to people, especially these people, because some of these ladies are mean mean people. They judge, they stab, and they take advantage. Exactly what I am afraid of. That is the reason I don't open up to people. Whys should I trust them with the person I am if there just going to rip it apart and revert me to that weak, unstable, unconfident person I was. No thanks. I'll continue to be the girl who gives you the tough songs and makes you sore you can't move the next day without making a sound. I wish I could not be bothered by this like I was before but seriously, some people just take it over the top. If looks could kill. I am happy however that I do have this job because for one, I get free exercise everyday,  second, this gives me a chance everyday to break this fear of people and being unsocial. Everyday an opportunity, everyday a new chance. 

One aspect people don't know about me is that I did not have friends until third grade. From preschool until second grade I did not have friends. I played by myself at recess, did all the work during group projects, and basically just stuck to myself. Why? It's not that I was antisocial its just that I didn't know what friends were or how to make them. Honestly I didn't realize this until later in my life. College is so lonely because of this. My classes don't match up to any of my friends who actually go there so I try to make friends with the people in my classes but its like they don't have any interest in friends. Maybe its just me. Maybe I just give off too much information or too less. I need to trust people. Trust that these people are good and actually want to be a friend. Because trust issues aren't a choice anymore. 

On the same topic of friends, for some strange and idiotic reason I tend to push the friends I already have, the one that I managed to make over the years, away. I hate this fact so much yet I have no idea when I'm doing it. I do deeply care for my friends and am so thankful for all they've done for me. They don't deserve this. They are, as my best friend since third grade says, good souls, and deserve to be treated right. Sometimes I get so jumbled in my own world of fears, self afflicted loneliness, and self caused problems that I just can't think straight about anything. I need to continue to create myself, find myself, and love myself so that the world may become upright and standing again. Without friends, the world is pretty damn dull. 

So here I am Internet. I am giving you a wide open view to my honest to jeebus self. Attack me, judge me, hate me. I need to get over this fear of "I don't think there going to like me" and "there going to hurt me" because these things are only true if I let them be. Time for change. Time for thoughts. Time for something new. 

-Natalie