Gloomy Days Bring on Gloomy Thoughts

Hello Internet. I am usually a fan of the rainy and gloomy days, the cold, and the staying under blankets all day but not today. No today it is different. As my friend Vienna said: "Gloomy days bring on gloomy thoughts." As much as I am an optimist and try to be happy everyday, sometimes it just hits me; all the thoughts that I try to avoid until late at night where I can mourn on my lonesome and think of why the world is so cruel. Today however it has hit me during the day so why not write about it. 

 One thing I have struggled with my entire life is talking to people, being social, and making friends. Ironically my job today is that exact thing, motivating people to lose weight and never giving up. Maybe this explains why I have no people in my classes and am basically not bring my boss money. I find it extremely hard ot open up to people, especially these people, because some of these ladies are mean mean people. They judge, they stab, and they take advantage. Exactly what I am afraid of. That is the reason I don't open up to people. Whys should I trust them with the person I am if there just going to rip it apart and revert me to that weak, unstable, unconfident person I was. No thanks. I'll continue to be the girl who gives you the tough songs and makes you sore you can't move the next day without making a sound. I wish I could not be bothered by this like I was before but seriously, some people just take it over the top. If looks could kill. I am happy however that I do have this job because for one, I get free exercise everyday,  second, this gives me a chance everyday to break this fear of people and being unsocial. Everyday an opportunity, everyday a new chance. 

One aspect people don't know about me is that I did not have friends until third grade. From preschool until second grade I did not have friends. I played by myself at recess, did all the work during group projects, and basically just stuck to myself. Why? It's not that I was antisocial its just that I didn't know what friends were or how to make them. Honestly I didn't realize this until later in my life. College is so lonely because of this. My classes don't match up to any of my friends who actually go there so I try to make friends with the people in my classes but its like they don't have any interest in friends. Maybe its just me. Maybe I just give off too much information or too less. I need to trust people. Trust that these people are good and actually want to be a friend. Because trust issues aren't a choice anymore. 

On the same topic of friends, for some strange and idiotic reason I tend to push the friends I already have, the one that I managed to make over the years, away. I hate this fact so much yet I have no idea when I'm doing it. I do deeply care for my friends and am so thankful for all they've done for me. They don't deserve this. They are, as my best friend since third grade says, good souls, and deserve to be treated right. Sometimes I get so jumbled in my own world of fears, self afflicted loneliness, and self caused problems that I just can't think straight about anything. I need to continue to create myself, find myself, and love myself so that the world may become upright and standing again. Without friends, the world is pretty damn dull. 

So here I am Internet. I am giving you a wide open view to my honest to jeebus self. Attack me, judge me, hate me. I need to get over this fear of "I don't think there going to like me" and "there going to hurt me" because these things are only true if I let them be. Time for change. Time for thoughts. Time for something new. 

-Natalie

Where is Christmas?

Hello Internet, its me, again. I haven't written here in a long while. College takes all my time away and work makes me to tired to function sometimes. (Literally sometimes I get stuck half way down to sitting down because I'm so sore) Since I tend to share my opinions here and my life experiences, generally during holidays because I'm usually in my room contemplating escape through my window to avoid my family or siting with my family awkwardly trying to avoid there sight and prying questions about my life, I have time to think. This time I thought about Christmas and everything that comes attached to it. 

For those who don't know, or I just haven't mentioned it on here, Christmas in my favorite holiday. Hands down it is my favorite holiday because, even though I don't particularly like my family, we at least have to be nice to each other for a day and pretend we care. It's actually really sweet honestly because I kinda do believe it. This year however I was proven drastically wrong. My family was nowhere to be found this Christmas, not a call or a mention. My grandpa is in Mexico enjoying himself in his hometown and contemplating marrying this woman who he met online, yeah I know modern age dating huh, so of course he couldn't come home, That would be incredibly selfish no matter how much I love my grandpa. My other extended family though had no excuse. They at least call to mention last minute that "Oh hey! I meant to call you! Yeah were leaving to the middle of nowhere to be with the tumbleweeds and a thousand kids! Merry Christmas!" Rude rude family I've got. 

But besides the family missing, Christmas for me was still a bummer to me. This year it just felt empty. No spirit, not joy, just stress stress stress. My mom seemed more interested in buying and finishing all the presents for people than actually taking time to buy the presents and actually thinking of the people. Okay, let me explain here. I know maybe some of you can agree and understand this method of buying gifts but for me it is completely different. When I buy gifts I think of the person I'm buying it for. I buy the present specifically for them knowing that they'll enjoy it. It makes me extremely happy when they actually do enjoy it because that means someone this Christmas actually got something they liked for Christmas not just stinky socks or something they'll never actually use from a deranged family member. I don't really care about receiving presents honestly. I prefer giving presents instead because this happiness the person gets while opening the present is enough gift for me. Nothing material could ever give me that feeling of accomplishment. That is why this Christmas kinda sucked for me. My siblings were not grateful for the presents they received and didn't really deserve them either. Its sad how spoiled they are and un-thankful. I didn't receive any presents from my parents but I'm not complaining. 

This Christmas could have been better but I believe things happen for a reason. Maybe this Christmas showed me the life I could have in the future or taught me exactly what to avoid. Either way this was a learning experience that thought me more about my family, myself, and the character of people. So for those reading this today, Merry Christmas. Be thankful for what you have, your family, and what you recieve. It's important to keep the spirit alive or else in a few years Christmas is going to be taken over the department stores and solely about presents. 

Sincerely, 

Natalie

Why Does College Make You Stress Out About Everything?

Dear Future Natalie,

Since this has happened multiple times in your life time I think it's finally time to write down as a reminder to stop stressing out. About everything. I mean it. Shut up and just breath. You have the irrational fear of everything and can not begin to contemplate how to live a life without books because books are the very answer on how to keep yourself leveled as you so have figured out today. Stop trying to be like other people. It is okay to analyze them and identify how they think but it is not okay, I repeat, not okay, one more time, NOT okay to try to become like them. For a while you thought you can become a mixture of all the people you saw. You were horribly wrong. It is not good to become like someone else because you are already someone. 

Today while riding the bus you realized a couple things. First, that reading books calms you the heck down. Reading, imagining, becoming one with the books helps you keep in tack with you. It is part of you and you should embrace it. You must read a new book, at least one at the very least, every two weeks, and that's a stretch and you know it. 

Second thing you figured out, you are incredibly plain. You are, as much as you want to fight it, normal. You are ordinary, you are a human being, you are a goodie to-shoes at heart. You freak out when someone breaks the rules, or when your late. You are extremely trusting and believe that there is good in everyone even if they seem like or act completely rude and stupid to you, But you need to embrace this as well. Looking at the world today, everyone seems to be messing up their lives. They want to be normal, They strive for it. You already have it. You have a good life. Embrace that. You did stray from this path a little bit in high school because you were young, naive, and very much an idiot and wanted something more than just your normal plain own life. You idiot. But if it wasn't for this you wouldn't have met Ben. 

Which brings me to my third and final point: that is one reason you love him too. You are fairly good at reading people. Judge what they will do next, what they will say, how they will react. But that in no way prepared you for Ben. He is crazy, has no pattern, and can be complete chaos. But it works. That is why it works, You are plainly normal but he is the exact opposite, everything but normal. He gives you surprises, makes you try new things, leads you to new experiences. What you need in your normal life. So if you come back in the future to read this, let me remind you why you fell in love with him; he makes you feel whole. 

So then here I come to answer your question: why does college make you stress out about everything? Simple: your alone. No friends, no Ben, and intelligent but wacky professors who somehow manage to contradict each other. More deadlines, having to write papers that have nothing to do with the subject of the class and prove absolutely nothing, and just your normal busy life. So I am here to remind you. Shut up. Take a deep breath like Eldridge showed you. And relax. Everything will be okay. You know that. Be brave. Keep going.Because if life was easy is that a life at all?

-Natalie

I Sodemly Swear That I'm Up To No Good But This Is The Truth and Nothing But The Truth

I suppose that I'm going to have a little rant here but I think it's necessary because it's something that I have been starting to realize fora while. To start off, I am not complaining about my life at all. I love my life and am grateful of all of the opportunities I have gotten. However I have come to realize what I want my life to be like when I'm older and definitely wish  could start it now. I don't know who reads my blog or if anyone reads it at all but I've decided to post this on the internet because why not. With that in mind, let me begin.

My life is swell. I have a job that I extremely enjoy because I gain out of it and don't have to pay, I help and motivate people to reach their goals, my coworkers are amazing women, and my boss isn't really my boss but my friend who guides me and makes sure I'm okay at this new job. I go to a university, am not in debt, and is finding that it's not as hard as the high school make it out to be. My intermediate family is well, under control, and support me with every choice I make. My other family, my friends, are more than I can ask for. Those few are some of the people I cherish because if you find one friend in your life time, your lucky. If you have many, your blessed. I have a wonderful boyfriend of almost 3 years who by others is seen as goofy and obnoxious but by me is seen like a perfect guy designed just for me.

However this my sound great, this lifestyle wouldn't be the one I would choose for myself. Yes I do love and am extremely thankful for everything I have but I would defiantly make some changes in my life. With the good also comes the bad. For example, my family is large, 6 members. Going to the super market is a trip we make at least twice a week. We don't always buy unhealthy food, but we don;t always buy healthy food either. When I hopefully start my life I want to buy only healthy food. It's a choice I have made a long time ago and still want it today. Since my job is exercising, unhealthy food and junk food make me feel worse than it did before. If I eat a bag of chips, I literally won't eat a thing for the next day. I have always like healthy food and am determined to make that part of my life style.

Another change I would make is I want to move away from this city. I have lived, never moved out, and have been born in this city. I need change. There is nothing wrong with this city but it's just a choice I want to make. My father choose to start his life in the US in a safe city but I think it's time to leave it for some time and start fresh. New city, new town, new house, new me. Preferably somewhere where it snows because I have come to realize that snow is something I wouldn't mind to deal with for a few years.

Lastly and most important of the changes I want to make in my life, is Ben. No, I'm not going to beak up with him, it's actually the opposite. I want him in my life permanently. It's been proven, by many grumpy and extensive arguments, that we do better when we're together. Yes some people say we're young and don't know a thing about relationships, and I agree to some point, but what I do know is that I feel better when he's around. Some thing people don;t know about me is that I have some anxiety. I stress out over every little thing and freak out if I'm late to anything no matter how insignificant it is. The only difference between other people with anxiety and with me is that I don't let it control my life. I refuse to give up my life to it and the only way to do that is to control it.  Simple. Well, not so much at times but that's where Ben comes in. I don't mean to go into a dramatic and emotional story but let me make it short: when I met Ben, I was in a terrible place. I wouldn't want to go out, talking to friends and being afraid to say something wrong was terrifying, and trying something new was out of the questions with numerous other things that I will not say here because even f no one reads this blog, there are somethings I don't want people to know about me. Bottom line is that Ben, a guy who barely knew me, made me smile for the first time in months and got me to open up to him in a week. After almost three years together he's proven enough to me he does love me and intends to stay with me for a very long time, just as I told him before we started dating. Yeah, he may be a goof ball and not seem like he takes things seriously but he's proven differently to me. My father however thinks otherwise.

My father refuses to know about any guy in my life because he doesn't want there to be one. My mother, after an embarrassing confession, knew about Ben the second week we were together. Ben's whole family knows and has been very accepting of me because I am his first girlfriend as well as he is my first boyfriend. Going back to my father, I know he only wishes the best for me and has worked hard to provide to my family and me. It's not that he doesn't trust me enough to have a boyfriend its that he thinks that I'm not mature enough to know how to and balance my school and boyfriend. To counter this idea, I have been with Ben since about the half way point in my sophomore year of high school and have kept up to be a almost straight A student. I say almost because of my math grades are something I have always been complete crap at. But I can't tell him this because he will get mad at the fact that I didn't tell him I had a boyfriend. In the end I am afraid that he is going to allow me to have a boyfriend, any other guy besides Ben, which completely defies the point. The killer part is that he already knows. He knows I like Ben and that were together because Ben asked him if he could date me and I asked for permission. Those are indicators that light up red and spell danger is capital letters.

The change I want to make is that I am going to tell my dad that I am dating Ben and that as long as I want him in my life, he will be. My grandpa hated my dad, and was SO much worse than my dad in hating guys, but look where that got them: 4 kids and a whole lot of money. If he trusts me, he'll let me do it, if not well I don't think he's going to want to talk to me for a couple of months.

It feels good to let these things out. Although as I see now it was mostly about Ben, it does feel nice to vent even if it's on the internet. Its easier to do so here than to real people because talking to people is something I'm still working on.

Thank you for reading my little sets of rants and I hope you don't judge me too harshly.

I hope you have a great day. 

Natalie