Gloomy Days Bring on Gloomy Thoughts

Hello Internet. I am usually a fan of the rainy and gloomy days, the cold, and the staying under blankets all day but not today. No today it is different. As my friend Vienna said: "Gloomy days bring on gloomy thoughts." As much as I am an optimist and try to be happy everyday, sometimes it just hits me; all the thoughts that I try to avoid until late at night where I can mourn on my lonesome and think of why the world is so cruel. Today however it has hit me during the day so why not write about it. 

 One thing I have struggled with my entire life is talking to people, being social, and making friends. Ironically my job today is that exact thing, motivating people to lose weight and never giving up. Maybe this explains why I have no people in my classes and am basically not bring my boss money. I find it extremely hard ot open up to people, especially these people, because some of these ladies are mean mean people. They judge, they stab, and they take advantage. Exactly what I am afraid of. That is the reason I don't open up to people. Whys should I trust them with the person I am if there just going to rip it apart and revert me to that weak, unstable, unconfident person I was. No thanks. I'll continue to be the girl who gives you the tough songs and makes you sore you can't move the next day without making a sound. I wish I could not be bothered by this like I was before but seriously, some people just take it over the top. If looks could kill. I am happy however that I do have this job because for one, I get free exercise everyday,  second, this gives me a chance everyday to break this fear of people and being unsocial. Everyday an opportunity, everyday a new chance. 

One aspect people don't know about me is that I did not have friends until third grade. From preschool until second grade I did not have friends. I played by myself at recess, did all the work during group projects, and basically just stuck to myself. Why? It's not that I was antisocial its just that I didn't know what friends were or how to make them. Honestly I didn't realize this until later in my life. College is so lonely because of this. My classes don't match up to any of my friends who actually go there so I try to make friends with the people in my classes but its like they don't have any interest in friends. Maybe its just me. Maybe I just give off too much information or too less. I need to trust people. Trust that these people are good and actually want to be a friend. Because trust issues aren't a choice anymore. 

On the same topic of friends, for some strange and idiotic reason I tend to push the friends I already have, the one that I managed to make over the years, away. I hate this fact so much yet I have no idea when I'm doing it. I do deeply care for my friends and am so thankful for all they've done for me. They don't deserve this. They are, as my best friend since third grade says, good souls, and deserve to be treated right. Sometimes I get so jumbled in my own world of fears, self afflicted loneliness, and self caused problems that I just can't think straight about anything. I need to continue to create myself, find myself, and love myself so that the world may become upright and standing again. Without friends, the world is pretty damn dull. 

So here I am Internet. I am giving you a wide open view to my honest to jeebus self. Attack me, judge me, hate me. I need to get over this fear of "I don't think there going to like me" and "there going to hurt me" because these things are only true if I let them be. Time for change. Time for thoughts. Time for something new. 

-Natalie

Where is Christmas?

Hello Internet, its me, again. I haven't written here in a long while. College takes all my time away and work makes me to tired to function sometimes. (Literally sometimes I get stuck half way down to sitting down because I'm so sore) Since I tend to share my opinions here and my life experiences, generally during holidays because I'm usually in my room contemplating escape through my window to avoid my family or siting with my family awkwardly trying to avoid there sight and prying questions about my life, I have time to think. This time I thought about Christmas and everything that comes attached to it. 

For those who don't know, or I just haven't mentioned it on here, Christmas in my favorite holiday. Hands down it is my favorite holiday because, even though I don't particularly like my family, we at least have to be nice to each other for a day and pretend we care. It's actually really sweet honestly because I kinda do believe it. This year however I was proven drastically wrong. My family was nowhere to be found this Christmas, not a call or a mention. My grandpa is in Mexico enjoying himself in his hometown and contemplating marrying this woman who he met online, yeah I know modern age dating huh, so of course he couldn't come home, That would be incredibly selfish no matter how much I love my grandpa. My other extended family though had no excuse. They at least call to mention last minute that "Oh hey! I meant to call you! Yeah were leaving to the middle of nowhere to be with the tumbleweeds and a thousand kids! Merry Christmas!" Rude rude family I've got. 

But besides the family missing, Christmas for me was still a bummer to me. This year it just felt empty. No spirit, not joy, just stress stress stress. My mom seemed more interested in buying and finishing all the presents for people than actually taking time to buy the presents and actually thinking of the people. Okay, let me explain here. I know maybe some of you can agree and understand this method of buying gifts but for me it is completely different. When I buy gifts I think of the person I'm buying it for. I buy the present specifically for them knowing that they'll enjoy it. It makes me extremely happy when they actually do enjoy it because that means someone this Christmas actually got something they liked for Christmas not just stinky socks or something they'll never actually use from a deranged family member. I don't really care about receiving presents honestly. I prefer giving presents instead because this happiness the person gets while opening the present is enough gift for me. Nothing material could ever give me that feeling of accomplishment. That is why this Christmas kinda sucked for me. My siblings were not grateful for the presents they received and didn't really deserve them either. Its sad how spoiled they are and un-thankful. I didn't receive any presents from my parents but I'm not complaining. 

This Christmas could have been better but I believe things happen for a reason. Maybe this Christmas showed me the life I could have in the future or taught me exactly what to avoid. Either way this was a learning experience that thought me more about my family, myself, and the character of people. So for those reading this today, Merry Christmas. Be thankful for what you have, your family, and what you recieve. It's important to keep the spirit alive or else in a few years Christmas is going to be taken over the department stores and solely about presents. 

Sincerely, 

Natalie